Be A Man
by Marishna
Summary: Spike knows his 'relationship' with Buffy is on borrowed time, but he gets mixed signals from her about what she wants from him. *PLEASE REVIEW!!!*


Title : Be a Man  
  
Author : Marishna  
  
Part : 1/1  
  
Disclaimer : Spike's my sex slave, didn't you all know? Or at least, that's what I tell myself when I feel sad. I don't own any of it *sob. *  
  
Spoilers : This is somewhere after Smashed, but before As You Were  
  
Summary : Spike knows his 'relationship' with Buffy won't last, but she's sending him mixed signals. *This really didn't go the way I had wanted it to, but this is what came out, so I'll live with it. * PLEASE REVIEW!!!  
  
  
  
No matter how hard she tries she can't leave. I know that it will end though. When she gets the stones to do it. But she'll regret it. It's like I told her. She's come to crave me like I crave her. Or maybe it's all just wishful thinking. Maybe I am just kidding myself about being a better man.  
  
"What pet, can't stand the thought of waking up in my arms. seeing me and knowing that I am the first thing you think of?" I mocked her as she got her stuff together. She had a cute bum. Could be better with a few extra pounds on it, but I dare not say anything or else she may stake me 'good and proper'.  
  
She just shot me a nasty look that said it all. She could wake up in my arms, but then she'd have to burn her retinas. She'd woken up with me one time to many, that first time. Since then there had been many other times, but none as magical or amazing. Oh, don't get me wrong- all the times with her are great. But that first time, in the building with everything falling around us. damn masterpiece. Just the feeling of her on me. moving, so hot and tight- *Stop.* Gave myself a mental shake and went back to watching her trying to find her pants. I took every moment I could watching her just because this time could be my last. It wouldn't be- but it could be.  
  
I hated being all flippant to her. Hated teasing and taunting her. I just couldn't resist it. Not could I stand the looks she gave me- like she was under the power of some drug and she felt guilty. She did, but couldn't she wait until she was out of my presence? Way to kill my buzz, Slayer.  
  
"Shut up Spike." Her retorts to my barbs were getting weaker and weaker every time we did this, but words didn't matter to me. Just her eyes. And the way she held herself when she stood up after. Like she was in pain. Like I had hurt her. Like she was dirty. Those eyes that had once looked at me like I was a little higher than I was now.  
  
"Slayer," I started to get up. "Can we talk?"  
  
She held up her hand to keep me away. "No, no. We can't. I have to go."  
  
"Please, you've been here for three hours now. All hot, and sweaty. Sure you can't stay for a little pillow talk?" I grinned with my tongue sticking out just a little, the way I knew made her heart beat a smidge faster.  
  
"No." She said it forcefully and I knew she wouldn't back down this time. She'll get the balls up to say that to me the next time she gets an itch, one of these days. *Bloody hell, what a disheartening thought to have weighing on your head. *  
  
"We will have to talk, you know. One of these days you're gonna slip up and treat me as if I'm a real person. Like be-" I stopped suddenly. Not wanting to go on, not wanting to open Pandora's box. Not now anyway.  
  
"What was that?" She turned to face me, arms crossed. She'd found all her clothes now, but she still looked sexy as hell with them all on. Creates a little mystery, makes a man think about what's there.  
  
"Nothing. You wouldn't listen anyway."  
  
"Try me." Nothing like a challenge to get the Slayer going.  
  
"Remember last year? Before your. absence? I said you treated me like a man. I meant it. And now, here we are again. Only you just want to treat me like your own dog. Roll over, Spike. Play fetch, Spike. Beg for it Spike. Only I'm not the one doing all the rolling, or fetching or begging. You come to me. That could get to a Big Bad's heart. Make me think you do think I'm a man." *I'm a bloody sodding git. That was so not how that was supposed to come out. *  
  
"Way to get to a girl's heart Spike. Call her a bitch. How do you beat off all the girls?" She turned to leave. I grabbed her arm.  
  
"Buffy, wait. I know this is sounding like a broken record but what the hell are we? We have never had a normal relationship, luv, but all this is seeming pretty everyday to me."  
  
"Sleeping with the undead is normal to you?"  
  
"No, but it is for you." *Can someone just shoot me now? Open mouth, insert foot Spike. *  
  
"Ok, fine. This ends. Now. No more undead for me. Is that what you want?" It wasn't what she wanted, I could tell. If she really meant it she would have left now, or said it more forcefully, or not given me a choice in if I wanted to be with her anymore. Stupid question, or course I did.  
  
"No. All I am saying Buffy, is that I love you. Words cannot express it, and I am trying hard to be a man for you, especially since you treat me like one. The way you keep coming around here only stokes the fires. This keeps going on like it doesn't matter to you but it does. I can tell. Or else you wouldn't keep coming back. To me of all people, too."  
  
"Do you want a medal? Do you want me to say 'Oh yes Spike, I can see that you have been trying to be a good man, despite trying to turn me to the dark side, to turn me away from my friends, that means that I will be your willing slave forever.' Is that what you want to hear?" Again, she didn't leave and she didn't say it was over. DAMN!! This girl was so infuriating.  
  
"No. Not even close. I know that this is impossible to keep going. For one, you're too hard headed to know a good thing when it bites you in the ass." I chucked at her blush, a visual accompanying that phrase, no doubt. "For another, I already had some semblance of a slave and you know how well that worked out." This garnered a frown from her, referring to the Bot.  
  
"Look, the long and the short of it is that we have been dancing this dance for a while now. Far longer than I even dreamed it could've. But by it going on this long I care for you even more. I know you don't feel what I feel and I know you likely never will. But all this," I gestured to the disheveled crypt. "Keeps me going. Keeps that image in my head of you looking at me like I'm more than just your lap-boy."  
  
She looked lost at that. Almost sorry, ready to cry. She remembered that little speech I gave her on the stairs before we went to fight Glory. Maybe if things had gone differently, maybe if she hadn't gone away, maybe if we could have stopped Glory, I should have saved Dawn, stopped Doc. I thought I could have saved Dawn. But now here we were, in a far different place than I thought we would be, but I could not say if it was better in anyway. She treated more like I was a man then, before she died, then she did now and she was bloody shagging me. What is that to do with a man's self esteem?  
  
"I can't tell you anything you haven't heard from me before. So I am leaving. I don't know what to tell you." She turned again and walked out of my place, leaving me standing there watching her. I knew she felt more for me then she admitted, I just wasn't sure if it was a good feeling or a bad feeling, or an indifferent feeling.  
  
*GAH! * I smacked my hand on the tv, knocking over the little radio I had pilfered from the dump, or somewhere along those lines. It snapped on and started blaring. I didn't bother to pick it up. The noise might drown out the talking in my head.  
  
"Why the hell do I even bother with her? Why don't I just bloody leave! She wouldn't know what hit her. She'd miss me so much. Bloody bint. WHY CAN'T I GET HER OUT OF MY HEAD?"  
  
The radio knew.  
  
In, I'm fallin' in  
  
I Didn't want to  
  
Not so fast, boy  
  
Slow  
  
Don't want to hurt the girl  
  
Little pretty box  
  
You better fill it  
  
*Yeah, I hear ya man. Only I fell hard and fast. *  
  
And I get blinded when she opens the door  
  
It's like looking into the sun, you know  
  
And I'm just blinkin', mumblin', starin' at my shoes  
  
And she just looks at me  
  
And smiles  
  
Smiles  
  
Smiles  
  
*Yeah, she reduces me to this stuttering mass of nerves. Or she would have if she didn't infuriate me so bloody much. But there is that smile. I don't get to see it much anymore, but then again neither does anyone else. Guess I'm lucky. *  
  
So, there we go again  
  
It feels so good  
  
To fall up and down  
  
Damn, it's 2am again  
  
She kisses me goodbye  
  
For the sixteenth time And I'm driving home, it's 2am  
  
And I look at the sun come up over the hills  
  
And the clouds are turning pink and green  
  
And all I can see is her eyes  
  
Eyes  
  
Eyes  
  
Eyes  
  
*Sod off man. you know too much for your own good. * How were humans so perceptive? They knew just how everyone feels and managed to get it into a song. Billy Idol used to do it pretty well, but I'd never heard someone who managed to get it so dead on before. I was the sodding git writing that song, and Buffy was the little bint in it.  
  
I get blinded when she opens the door  
  
It's like looking into the sun, you know  
  
And I'm just blinkin', mumblin', starin' at my shoes  
  
She just looks at me  
  
And smiles  
  
Smiles  
  
Smiles  
  
I know it's going to end. I know she'll walk out that door for the last time. And then I'll be left wondering where the man went that she made. Truth be told, I kind of like him. But just maybe I can be enough of that man, before she does leave, that he'll want to stick around, and she'll see me as him. Not me. The End. 


End file.
